Confusion

Im stuck between worlds, lost and confused.
Torn between loving myself more or loving these Blues.
Great optimism marinated deep in his bones.
Soft sounds of pessimism spoken through my tone.
Constantly searching for a way out of this maze.
Longing for an everlasting craze I crave.
I use to fall back on liquor, gospel and crying.
Now a days my numbness leave me eager for writing.
So many thoughts and feelings at once.
I'm surprised I haven't found a way to pass the blunt.
Pondering over my bewilderness and brief stresses.
Questioning the Lord what is the reason for these test here?
I hold sharp and clear conversations with Him while I rest in gloom.
I don't know if I'm good sitting lonely or hoping for you to come into the room.
I need to be saved from these thirsty lakes wanting to drown me in my tears.
I've been there, done that, I've been doing that for years.
I'm stuck between worlds, lost and confused.